The Sport of Parenting

So, it has come to my attention that my life revolves a little too much around sports.  I'm not ashamed to admit that I completed two fantasy football drafts while hurricane Irene was giving it her best outside my window.  I didn't even hear her make a peep because I was deciding between Willis McGahee and Darren Sproles as my sleeper RB pick.  I began to think about how many sports references and sports themed things I do during the average day, and then it dawned on me, pretty much everything a parent does can be compared to a sport.  Don't believe me?  Read ahead.







Basketball
Dad's Position: Shooting Guard
Mom's Position: Charles Oakley ("The Pick")
Location: Usually the nursery, bedroom or office
Object of the Game: Throw soiled diapers into the garbage pail.  Pretend you're Reggie Miller and crumple up paper and drain threes all day.  Take your child's dirty laundry and sky hook it, like Kareem, at the hamper in the corner.

Golf
Dad's Position: Player or Caddy
Mom's Position: Player or Caddy
Location: Could happen anywhere, but usually somewhere dangerous
Object of the Game: The object of focus (usually a toddler) travels away from you at a high rate of speed as you try to keep it contained to one specific area where it will be trapped until you let it out.  Your caddy gives you obvious advice on how to achieve your goal.  This behavior is repeated often, roughly 18 times per day.

Volleyball
Dad's Position: Player
Mom's Position: Player
Location: Anywhere
Object of the Game: Mom and Dad volley back and forth about who's turn it is to handle the dirty diaper or bedtime duties.  Mom is the more experienced player, delivering verbal spikes that Dad has no hope of digging out.  Mom always wins, unless she secretly lets Dad win in order to get him to do something else she wants him to.

Football
Dad's Position: Referee
Mom's Position: Not watching (read: asleep)
Location: Your daughter's first sleepover
Object of the Game: An argument has broken out at 1 A.M. about someone liking someone else's "boyfriend" and the sides have divided evenly - eleven on eleven.  There's a pileup at the goal line and you have to make the call dad... choose wisely, as sleep is your Lombardi trophy.

Baseball

Dad's Position: Offense

Mom's Position: Defense

Location: Bedroom, or anywhere else dad tries to put on the moves.

Object of the Game:  Dad swings for the fences and tries to get as far around the bases as possible.  Mom gives dad three chances to sweet talk her into giving up a home run, and if her defense is strong, dad spends another night alone in the dugout with Gatorade and pouch of Big League Chew.  Dad often comes away from his at-bat looking like a bobble-head. (Yes, that is Placido Polanco)

Curling
Dad's Position: Sweeper
Mom's Position: Sweeper
Location: Kitchen
Object of the Game: Your child, the "skip" or "thrower", tosses Cheerios on the kitchen floor and you have to sweep them up as fast as possible.  Your kid thinks this is hilarious, like we all think curling is ridiculously entertaining.

Soccer (this is not an analogy... someone please explain this to me)

Dad's Position: Soccer Dad or Coach

Mom's Position: Soccer Mom or Coach

Location: Soccer pitch

Object of the Game: Figure out what the hell the kids are doing out there.  Can everyone just flood the ball like that?  How about some passing?  Heck, even a shot on goal would be nice.  Seriously, everyone gets a trophy?

Slow Pitch Softball
Dad's Position: Dad Blogger
Mom's Position: Mom Blogger
Location: The Blog
Object of the Game: Swing for a home run every time.  If you strike out, it looks really, really bad.