Friday, January 6, 2012

5 Reasons I'm Smokin' Hotter Than Hot and You Can't Have Any (Unless You Ask Real Nice)

First of all, let me give you some background on this post (not that I should have to explain why I'm hot because I already got someone to explain it to you).  A few months ago, I discovered a magical community of bloggers called Triberr (the extra R is for RIDICULOUSLY AWESOME!).  We buddy up into "tribes" (like the name suggests) and share our Twitter audiences in hopes of increasing our reach.  One of my tribes has three special ladies in it. And I when I say "special" I mean like "getting a tie for Christmas special" or "eating Aunt Bessie's lumpy mashed potatoes" special.  I am dissing them because I'm smokin' hotter than hot, and they didn't invite me to their club - The Bitchery Triad - and yes, I am totally ignoring the fact that a triad consists of three and I would totally mess that up if they invited me.  I know I don't usually use such adult language here on this site, but there really is no other way to way to describe these ladies.  Let me introduce you to them (click on their links to read the hilarious reasons why they think they are smokin' hot).  Then you can read the 5 Reasons I'm Smokin' Hotter Than Hot and You Can't Have Any (Unless You Ask Real Nice).

First, I will introduce you to one that I'm sure is the ring leader, Christina from Solitary Mama.  She has been known to complain about mom bloggers, go ga-ga over country bands in Wal-Mart and even leave comments on my blog referencing old people porn so the creepies find me on Google.  I'm almost certain they formed a Triad because she's Asian, and as everyone knows, all Asian gangs are called Triads in the movies even if they have like a million members.

The other two members of the Triad are Cari from Bubblegum On My Shoe and Marjorie from Don't Call Me Marge.  I have only recently gotten to know these two, and they have not crossed me yet.  Although, now that they are aligned themselves with Solitary Mama, I'm sure they will be up to no good.  Ladies and gentlemen, you have now been formerly introduced to The Bitchery Triad.  Now, let me introduce you to The Wolf Pack!

Our alpha dog is Sev Winters, author, internet blowhard and human Chia Pet.  He took up the challenge that these ladies threw down and wrote a fantastic post about why he's smokin' hotter than hot.  It mostly has to do with his freakish ability to grow hair on every square inch of his body except his head (and there are also man boobs involved).  His wing men are myself and Richard from The Butterbottom Blog (you remember him, right? Hotness post forthcoming.).  We have heeded the call of the wild to combat this trio of self-proclaimed hotness.

And now, the 5 reasons I'm smokin' hotter than hot and you can't have any (unless you ask real nice):

I'm a dad.

BOOM. That just happened.  There's nothing like a man that steps up to take care of his family.  With so much talk about dead-beat dads, I go against the trend.  I set my own definition of dad, and I do it without shame.  Yes, I wrestle with my kid, let her play in the dirt and push her too high on the swings, but I also do laundry and dishes.  What now?

I'm too hot for a job.

I walked away from a career to be a stay-at-home dad for my little girl.  That's right - walked away.  Economy?  Pssssh.  I don't need to earn money.  I let my wife do that!  That's hot. "How hot?" you ask.  So hot that we have our own convention.  BAM!

People want me for my money. 

Thant's right.  Dad's are the hot target market in advertising right now.  Don't believe me?  Check these out.

Companies shower me with gifts.

Since one of the Triad members wants to brag about her Movember accomplishments, I will too.  I was part of a group of dads and dad bloggers that raised over $34,000 for this great cause.  Part of that $34,000 was a $15,000 match from Philips-Norelco.  They also sent a bunch of us a free razor and beard trimmer that are worth a couple of hundred bucks - just to watch us shave with it!  Maybe if someone had that kind of hookup, she wouldn't have had to wait two months to shave her pits.  And see, you can have some of me if you ask real nice - preferably in the form of cash or gadgets.

Wait, did I say five reasons?  Oh right.

I Can Pee Accurately From A Standing Position

Nuff said.

Please be sure to check out the other members of The Wolf Pack (Winters and Butterbottom... sounds like a bad law firm commercial, doesn't it?) and all you have to do to join The Wolf Pack is pick up this title and give us five reasons you are smokin' hotter than hot and do it better than those three ladies of The Bitchery Triad.  I'm out.


  1. You won't ever be hotter than the Bitchery Triad. And you're right, we could be a million people and still be a triad. Except none of us are Asian. Not sure where you got that.

  2. I don' know what Anonymous is talking about, but I'm half Asian. I disguise it with my ninja stealth and bubble gum facade.

    Nice attempt, Matt Daddy, going with the whole "responsibility is smokin' hot angle" and philanthropic thing.

    Bitchery Triad rules! Wolfpack drools...literally.

  3. Go Matt. I do have to agree about the peeing advantage we males have. I always love the lines to the women's rooms while we just waltz in and out, zipping our flies up as we leave in full view of the world! You made my day with this post...funny! Hey Christina, I love you darling...but you know I love Asian women having married two of 'em...though not a Korean (yet)!

  4. @Marjorie - Thanks for LOLing all over my comments section. Be sure to clean that up.

    @Anonymus - Only Asians have tiger calendars

    @Cari - Did you see the pic that Butterbottom posted of me? It is, quite literally, the only angle I have. It's landed me a wife that is way out of my league and a genius child. Not bad so far.

    @Bruce - Thanks, it's been a fun little conversation.

  5. Hopped over from Richard's blog to see what you had to say... Aww the first point Daddy hotness is my favorite. Yr little girl is lucky to have you in her life so much :)love the kinky Ads esp the Dove .. one of my favs! you forgot to add that you are a HOT COOk ! Keep cookin ..

  6. @Sunithi - Thanks! I had to keep it to five reasons and being able to pee standing up is just funnier. I feel like I rub it in enough when I post those pictures of my delicious looking dishes once a week.

    @Cari - See, some people like Daddy-hotness!

  7. Manly man taking care of his family--that's hot.



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