Tuesday, May 29, 2012

Is It Okay For Parents To Give Up On Their Kids?


Our family was driving in the car yesterday when my daughter uttered a statement in a fit of two-year old, tired, toddler angst.  She said, "I cry every day because of mommy and daddy."  She was upset because she was tired and we did not have her pacifier (I know, I know... we're trying to give it up, but it really works).  She was entirely serious about her statement.  How do I know?  My wife asked her to repeat it.  "I cry every day because of mommy and daddy."  Wow.  If our parenting is so bad, I guess we should just give up, right?  Should we just stop trying since she's not happy?  Of course not.

The point here is not what my daughter said.  She's not old enough to understand how what she says affects other people.  She's just a toddler.  But it made me think.  Would I ever give up on my kid?  What would she have to say to make me stop loving her?  What would she have to do to make me stop trying?  When I asked myself those questions, I couldn't think of anything that would make me walk away from my love for and responsibility to her as a father.

What if she said she hates me?  What if she robbed a bank?  What if she developed a drug habit and stole from us?  What if she killed someone?  What if she tried to harm me or my wife?  What if she rebelled against all of the values that we tried to model for her?  What if...?  And then I came to realize - as a parent, I will never give up on my kid.  Did you read that?  Don't skip over it.

I will NEVER give up on my kid.  


I know the phrase she said in her tired tantrum is meaningless.  I know she will probably say she hates me at some point for discipline that she thinks is unfair.  I know she will probably not like my opinion of the boys that she becomes interested in.  But that's my job.  I'm her dad.

My job is not to try to be her best friend to fulfill my own selfish need for affection.  My job is to be the sort of person that she wants to be like.  My job is to raise her to be a bright, successful, happy young woman that can be self-sufficient and have the skills to raise a family of her own.  My job is to protect her from teenage boys those that would try to take advantage of her.  My job is to try to instill a values system of black and white that will help her navigate this murky world of gray.  It involves patience, discipline, and unconditional (sometimes tough) love.

If she strays away from the path, I will always try to get her back on track.  If she walks down a dark road, I'll take the light out to look for her.  If she is ever lost at sea, I'll be throwing the life preserver.  If she wants nothing to do with me, I will still pray for her well-being and long for a restoration of relationship.  No matter what she does, I will NEVER give up on her.  

Thinking about this made me feel for those parents who have a severed relationship with their child.  I can't even imagine the difficulty of what you're dealing with.  Only you can make the decision to keep trying, and I would encourage you by saying "Don't give up. Don't ever give up."

If it means saying you're sorry, say it.  If it means offering undeserved forgiveness, give it.  If it means that you have to give up everything in order to make it happen, do it.  That child and your relationship are worth it.  Don't give up.



13 comments:

  1. ...My job is not to try to be her best friend to fulfill my own selfish need for affection...
    Bravo! So well said. And the line about being the kind of person she wants to be like, brilliant.

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    1. Thanks, it was getting late and sometimes the best stuff gets typed when you're tired.

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  2. I've had to let go of my 2nd daughter, because she has a lot of anger and bitterness. I will NEVER stop loving her, but there's nothing I can do until she lets go of whatever's destroying her inside. She knows, and I've told her I love her and that I'm always here for her, but they get to an age where you have to release them and pray desperately that they'll come back to you.

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    1. Thanks for sharing Mimi. I don't view "letting go" as "giving up" at all. As long as you are loving her, praying for her to break through that anger, and are able to be a support in any way that she will let you while she works through this, then that's not giving up at all. Sometimes, the tough love is toughest on the parent. Don't ever give up.

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    2. Mimi, I hope SHE comes back. I believe adult children are no longer our responsibility especially if they are making poor choices. Sometimes there is just a bad egg - not saying that is the case with your daughter. I hope SHE comes back and realizes the BLESSING that you are!

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    3. Mimi, I completely understand. My daughter is only 15 but she has put our family through a lot of pain and grief. She is demanding, ungrateful, disrespectful, lazy and a tyrant to her younger siblings. We've put too much time and effort into pleasing her to no avail and we have come to the realization that it will never be enough for her. She tells us she doesn't like our family or want to be part of it because we're not rich and that she is moving out when she turns 18. We're looking forward to it.

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  3. Just as Jimmy said, OUR job is NOT to be our kid's best friend but their best parent! That is much harder!

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    1. I think a wise person once said that... oh yeah, that was me. Thanks, Bruce!

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  4. This is an important story. Thank you.

    Parents should never give up on a child. EVER. The streets are filled with kids and adults who have made too many poor choices, and are then burdened with no family or friends for support; family who have chosen to give up.

    It’s horrific when people give up on family (for both silly reasons and terribly complex issues) and we see the tragic end to this story too often.

    Mimi - I don’t know your situation and I can’t imagine what has transpired for you to take a tough love stance. I’ll trust you are doing what is necessary to give your daughter a chance at overcoming problems. I only hope she knows that there is a path back into a family that will support recovery or allow forgiveness. For desperate people, unconditional love from family is often the very last connection to society. Once it’s gone there is nothing, and then it’s only a matter of time.

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    1. Thank you for your insight, Stephen! I'm glad you found my blog. Hopefully, you'll come back often.

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  5. I cried so much reading this :( My mum told me that she gave up on me.

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  6. I know that must have been (and continue to be) incredibly difficult to go through, and I pray that one day your may come to peace with that situation, whether through restoration of your relationship or through you being able to forgive her for giving up on you. Thank you for reading this. It's important that we don't repeat the same mistakes that our parents made, so whatever you do, don't give up on your kids!!!

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  7. I hope so :c It upsets me that she gave up trying when all she has to do is listen to what I've had to say.

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