Friday, May 27, 2011

My Daughter: The Ultimate Fighter

I'm sure that I'm not the only parent that thinks their kid is the next UFC champ. My daughter is mostly normal, and there are times when she gets ramped up just like any other kid. But I think she has super powers since she is only 14 months old and is basically a ninja.

When I have to leave her alone for a few minutes, her "ninja mode" kicks in.  I know when she's into something because it gets really, really quiet.  A little too quiet.  Moms, you know what I'm talking about.  She uses her ninja stealth help her get into whatever she can reach - DVD's, books, video games, cups, etc.  She creates a path of destruction in a fraction of a second and is right back where she started sitting on her behind like she did nothing wrong.  Pretty soon, she will be able to climb walls and use weapons.  If she starts dressing in all black and looking like she might flip out on anyone at any time and not even care, I will have a definite problem.

Her mastery of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu escape moves astounds me. Every time I try to change a diaper and I think I have her on lock down, she waits until I reach for the powder then - BAM! She reverses my stranglehold and is sitting up and smiling at me like nothing just happened.  When I attempt to wrestle her back down, she locks in an arm bar out of nowhere, and I'm toast.  How does a father combat this sort of mastery?

When I try to introduce a new food, or if we are re-trying a food that she doesn't like, I get an expert lesson in Krav Maga like you've never seen. For those of you who don't know, Krav Maga is Israeli commando close quarters combat.  Click the link for a cool video if you have time.  Once I attempt to put the spoon in her mouth, the arms start flailing, her head is reeling side to side, and feet, which you thought you were safe from, now start kicking at you from under the high chair tray.  She makes precise hits to the nerves in the wrist, rendering my hand unusable and I am forced to drop the spoon.  Great, now I have to clean up this mess with my bad hand while she just sits in the chair and laughs at me!

I clearly need to study up on my mixed martial arts, even though there is no hope of catching up to her.  She will only get bigger, faster, stronger and more stealthy until she finally grows out of it.  That's okay because I know that one day, one sweet and glorious day, I will get even.  I will be a grandpa.  And when she asks me to watch her kids, I will get them all hopped up on sugar and send them back home to her.  We'll see how her skills are then.  Muah ha ha ha!  

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